Fan On The Couch: Episode 7
Jan 25, 2010 Fan On The Couch, Tony Maglio
Roundball Roundtable
By Tony Maglio
In honor of the midway point of the season, I swapped emails with some of the best young New York comedians: J-L Cauvin (www.JLCauvin.com), Pat Breslin (www.PatBreslin.com), and comedian/actor Mike Bernardi (no website yet, so I considered just giving out his cell phone number). The following is the transcript – after very heavy censorship.
NAS: We’ll get to your teams in a bit, but from an outsider perspective – what do you think of the Nets 3-40 start, and are they the worst team of all time?
Fan On The Couch: Episode 6
Jan 19, 2010 Fan On The Couch, Tony Maglio
Fan On The Couch Mailbag
By Tony Maglio
Thanks to everyone who submitted questions and congratulations to everyone who won tickets to Friday’s Nets/Pacers NBA D-League contest. I wish it could have been a better game, but this is the life we’ve chosen as Nets fans. I want to send a special “Thank You” to Patrick Quinn with Nets Basketball who helped us out with the ticket giveaway. Pat’s a great guy and a terrific ticket agent; I suggest you use him for all your Nets ticket needs. Tell him the Fan on the Couch sent you, offer him some Fruit by the Foot and he’ll hook you up.
Contact him at:
PQuinn@NJNets.com
201-635-3154
I won’t be able to get to all the questions in this installment, but I’ll try to get to as many as I can. Continue to email any questions you’d like to see answered in future mailbags to Tony.Maglio@NetsAreScorching.com. For now, on to the questions after the jump…
Fan On The Couch: Episode 5
Jan 11, 2010 Fan On The Couch, Tony Maglio
Naje…Naje…Naje…Not Gonna Play Here Anymore
By Tony Maglio
Life is a funny thing. One moment you’re in an Escondidos, drinking Modelo and thinking the Nets are going to win a very tough road game in New Orleans. The next moment it is all taken away from you on bad switch defense and a touch-foul homer call. You still have your Modelo, but the food kind of sucks and nothing else is the same. Life and the Nets are similar in this regard, if you get your hopes too high, both can let you down. I should have been a Lakers fan, and we should have gone to Chili’s.
But once in a while, both life and the Nets throw you a bone. Some days you wake up and the world just feels right. It doesn’t feel like New Jersey in January anymore. You watch Paul Blart: Mall Cop – and it’s not even as bad as you thought it would be. There are two NFL playoff games on later; and it’s a Saturday! You turn on your laptop, head to NetsAreScorching.com, and you realize why everyone seems to have an extra spring in their step today, why neighbors are somewhat extra-neighborly – Eduardo Najera is gone. He’s really gone. And he’s (hopefully) never coming back. I haven’t been this happy to see someone leave since that time in college when a blind date came over 40 pounds heavier than her picture.
I’ve wanted Najera out of the locker room like he was a gun owner with a gambling debt and bad knees. I was hoping the Nets would send him to Brooklyn two years in advance on some made up location-scouting assignment. Najera’s spent too much time in front of me in Section 114 making unathletic plays, too many evenings in my living room bricking jumpers – I wanted him out of my house like an abusive father. I have been waiting for this day for what seems like forever, picturing every glorious detail prematurely like a little girl plans her future wedding.
Najera had endeared himself to casual Nets fans for some reason I really don’t understand. He has a reputation of being a hard-worker and a “hustle player”, but so do I – that doesn’t mean you want either of us on your basketball team. Now Eduardo Najera is Dallas’s problem. I’m convinced this trade only happened because the collective Dallas community was distracted by the Eagles/Cowboys game, and that is just fine by me. I hate the Cowboys, but they could have the Super Bowl so long as they take Najera. I feel like I should send Mark Cuban a fruit basket.
Now, I don’t know anything about Kris Humphries or new-spelling Shawne Williams, but it doesn’t matter if they ever see the floor. It really doesn’t even matter if they exist. The important thing is that now Eduardo Najera only exists in our memories, and hopefully less often, our nightmares.
I would have made this trade at any cost. I would have traded Najera for one red paperclip. I would have used my childhood best friend Kenny’s flawed system for trading baseball cards where he used to absorb tremendous losses, swapping good players with my brother and I simply to get cards of any player named “Ken”. We were making impossible trades in the late 80’s like Gordon Gekko in Wall Street. The joke was on us though when Ken Caminiti started doing more steroids than the Oakland A’s in the 90’s and won the NL MVP. Although I suppose you could make the case that in the end Caminiti got the worst deal of all of us.
So goodbye Eduardo, it’s been real. Real bad, much like your game. I’d thank you for your service and wish you the best, but like most sentiments in my life – that would be insincere. But I can tell you one thing from the bottom of my heart: I can’t wait to turn on the Sunday night game (and all subsequent games) and not see you and your stupid non-basketball-player haircut either sitting on the bench or on the court, redefining “garbage time”. Now the only time I’ll have to see that butchered hairstyle and lame performance is in Luke Wilson AT&T commercials. Life is truly beautiful (except for the aforementioned AT&T commercials).
Fan On The Couch: Episode 4
Jan 4, 2010 Fan On The Couch, Tony Maglio
2nd Half Running Convo
By Tony Maglio
It’s Saturday afternoon I’m joined online by my buddy and fellow long time Nets fan, Crack. We’re going to have a running conversation via AOL Instant Messenger for the 2nd Half of the Nets/Cavaliers game. We’ll talk about the game as it transpires, some general Nets and NBA news and most likely touch on inside stuff that isn’t funny to anyone but us. I had to re-download AIM just for this, and boy does it look differently than I remember. One thing has not changed though – Crack has a very stupid avatar.
We come in at half time…
Fan On The Couch: Episode 3
Dec 29, 2009 Fan On The Couch, Tony Maglio
(un)Happy New Year!
By Tony Maglio
After losing to the lowly Minnesota Timberwolves for a SECOND time this season, I’m guessing the Nets players and coaches woke up to find mostly coal in their stockings on Friday morning. And much like how coal takes tens of thousands years to turn into diamonds, it might be the same length of time before the Nets turn this around. Possibly longer.
I faired better than them under the Christmas tree last week, but received no Nets-related gifts this year. This is in no way a bad thing.
I did have one piece of Nets gear on my list though: the new adidas shooting shirt – but my father’s appropriate and accurate reaction was simply, “The Nets suck”. I’m pretty sure Santa would have said the same thing.
My girlfriend considered buying it for me a little longer than that and asked me whether I would want it personalized or of an existing Nets player. Now, ordinarily I am against anyone over 12 years old wearing a personalized custom jersey of a professional sports team, but I realized it might be even more embarrassing to choose any of these current players to support in public. Plus, between the injuries and poor play, the way this season is going, I figure I might have an actual shot to make the team. Or at the very least I could walk out of the stands and hit enough jumpers during the shoot-around to fit in. So I figured if I had the official gear I wouldn’t arouse much suspicion. But unfortunately for NBA.com, much like three-quarters of the Nets season tickets seats – this was not purchased.
The only time I find it otherwise acceptable for a grown man to wear a personalized team jersey is if it is customized in a humorous manner. My friend Dave has been generous enough to let me in on his family’s Giants season tickets for years now. After a few frustrating seasons of suffering through too many Luke Pettigout penalties, Dave decided he was going to get a jersey customized that said: “FALSE START, 77”. In that spirit I was considering getting the Nets shirt made up to say “AIRBALL, 2” – but considering Josh Boone will probably be out of the NBA in six months, I decided that would be wasteful. So as it stands, if any NetsAreScorching fans are searching for a late Christmas gift for me, I’ll make an exception on my own rule and take “MAGLIO, 42”. Or just send cash.
Speaking of the G-men, I just returned from their final game at Giants Stadium where the home team got beaten so badly that it should have been played across the NJ Turnpike at the Izod Center. With a closing stadium, a displaced hockey team, an empty basketball arena with a team on the move, a bankrupt and unfinished indoor ski slope – now is not exactly the golden age of the Meadowlands. It was sad to leave our beloved mezzanine seats and take a picture of the old stadium for the last time – but it was possibly even sadder that the Izod Center in the background spoiled the photos.
While there are not enough holidays in December for this team to get everything they want and need, no team should be happier to say goodbye to 2009 than the Nets. In that spirit, I thought I might suggest some New Year’s resolutions for the players/coaches:
Brook Lopez: Resolve to play offense in the second half. Seriously, this guy is such a stud early, and does essentially nothing late. Is he aware of the number of quarters that make up a basketball game? On Wednesday, my buddy Crack and I exchanged gifts and then watched the T-Wolves ruin Christmas. On the first six Nets baskets, Lopez had five assists. He finished the game with just two more and only nine points, which means the offense wasn’t run through him at all – game over. At least I got a Bo Jackson throwback. In a related resolution…
Kiki Vandeweghe: Get the ball inside to Brook late. I’m sure Lopez gets doubled more later in the game, but how often do the Nets need to come back and then miss jump shots to seal the loss? This guy is making 2009 Lawrence Frank look like 2004 Lawrence Frank.
Terrence Williams/Courtney Lee: One of the most popular New Year’s resolutions is to quit smoking. While some of the Nets run the floor like they’re long time smokers, what some of these guys really need to quit is shooting. This group is highlighted by Terrence Williams and Courtney Lee. Put the ball on the floor. Especially T-Will. This guy dunks like he’s in “NBA Jam” and shoots like he’s in “NBA Live 10”.
Chris Douglas-Roberts: 1) Fire agent. 2) Learn how to pass. I’ve seen this guy throw more wayward passes than Jamarcus Russell.
Devin Harris: Resolve to get back to all-star form. I don’t know if this is a health issue, a reps issue, or a lack of help issue – but I refuse to believe it is a lack of skill. I’ve seen Harris just TAKE OVER games in the past with his speed. And although he scored, when I saw him get absolutely broken down on the defensive end against Minnesota – I chose to believe he still isn’t 100%. Festivus was not over until Johnny Flynn pinned him.
Josh Boone: Should resolve to return to UConn to finish his degree. And I don’t mean in the summer – I mean right now. Leave the team, and go back to school. We’ll all be very proud of you.
Yi Jialian: Lift. Try the Body By Jake Tower 200. I got one for Christmas and I love it already. Come by tomorrow – Tuesday’s arms and back. It’s boring, but it’s a part of my life.
Eduardo Najera: Take up golf.
That’s all for now guys. Have a safe and Happy New Year’s. And much like the annoying/un-clever co-worker who says the same thing every December 31st – see you next year!
Fan On The Couch: Episode 2
Dec 21, 2009 Fan On The Couch, Tony Maglio
E.A. SPORTS: It’s In The Game (Unless You’re Josh Boone)…
By Tony Maglio
On Wednesday, the NBA’s worst two teams will battle each other with the winner being awarded the ultimate in lame bragging rights: 29th best team in the league. I can’t even imagine what the attendance will be when the Minnesota Timberwolves come to New Jersey to play the Nets – the Izod Center will be emptier than a lonely old person’s funeral. To add some flair to it, I think the game should be played with WWE Retirement Match rules, where the losing coach has to leave NBA for good (until he ultimately returns as a heel). I’m not sure that I’ll be able to watch the actual game without getting worse at fundamental basketball through osmosis, so what I decided to do is load up “NBA Live 10” on my PlayStation 3 and see how this contest of inadequacy goes down in a simulated world.
If you think real-life Josh Boone sucks (and we all do), video game Boone must be even worse. I had to download “Dynamic DNA” (which is a cool new feature in the “NBA Live” series that updates attributes and injuries in accordance with the happenings of the current NBA season) just to get Josh Boone ON MY ROSTER. He wasn’t even originally on my bench; I thought I was going to have to create Josh Boone just to get the proper starting lineup. I was a little disappointed when I didn’t have to do that because I wanted to see just how low I could set the attributes before the computer argued that there’s no way this could be an NBA player that I was creating, and promptly self-destructed.
For reality purposes, I set the game in the inexplicably packed Izod Center, with 12-minute quarters, and set the “Game Environment” to “Season” (as opposed to “Playoffs” or “NBA Finals” which for realism should both be automatically disabled options when you’re playing with the Nets or Timberwolves). Mercifully, I will not be controlling either team, we’ll let the computer A.I. tackle this storied rivalry.
A final pre-tip-off note: Video game Brook Lopez has the thickest uni-brow and meanest expression I’ve ever seen. He is unkempt and he is PISSED. I can’t really blame virtual Brook, look who he’s surrounded by. I’m just not sure why EA Sports took such a liberty with his extreme hairiness – he looks like a Geico Caveman. If you recall in Episode One, I referenced a story about how smitten the Lopez twins were with their PS3 – so you would think EA Sports would give him a break on the ugliness of his likeness.
Fan On The Couch: Episode 1
Dec 14, 2009 Fan On The Couch, Roster Breakdown, Salary
Hey guys, I just wanted to welcome Tony Maglio who will be writing a weekly column over here called “Fan On The Couch.” Tony Maglio is a comedian and writer from New Jersey and a former Nets season ticket holder. He is a freelance writer for “Saturday Night Live’s” Weekend Update, a staff writer on “Latenet”, writes for the screen and stage and is a contributor to various podcasts, websites and other publications. As a stand up comedian, Tony has performed all over the northeast and written for other comics. This will be up every Monday at about 1. Since we tend to throw up a ton of posts here, we don’t want Tony’s great work to get lost in the shuffle, so you can find all of his posts by looking under the header and clicking the Fan On The Couch link.